What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 05:02
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So, i spoilt her more .
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What is the most overrated pleasure? Why?
She found it foreign!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
What did i know ?
What’s your idea of the perfect Saturday night?
She wouldn,t have been !
And i lived it daily.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He knew the spot.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was in good health!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Would this be the day?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
How do you make a karaoke version of a song?
He resisted the act ,that day.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
All the time i was locked up.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Comes on , in middle age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Put me off passion for life!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot live in the past .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My family never makes their pension either.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was seconnd youngest,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Ive learnt so much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I waited trembling.
I was scared of men, in general
My life is so biszare .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She married twice! .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was 9 years of age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Who then, do I blame.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is soul school!.
I was very sick at this time too.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She loved him until the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I said to her
I will be 64.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
When she asked me how she looked .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But, we were locked up after school.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But it wasn’t much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We all went to grammer schools
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I don,t even have a pension.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im still living with it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.